"I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."

Not the most uplifting of blogs, but hey, I needed to rant. 

Everything is fleeting.  It never seemed so before, but since getting to school it’s all I can  say about the way time flies.  Being in a big university in a big city, where people come and go from school, their homes, co-ops, and jobs-- any of which can be as close as Boylston, Massachusetts or Stony Brook on Long Island, or as difficult to visit as Fort Mitchell, Kentucky or Sarasota, Florida, OR as far off as Egypt or China or Australia.  People are here one semester and then just gone before you have the chance to really connect.  Life moves so quickly.  You can't keep EVERYONE you meet in your life, but there's practically no time to develop anything before you have to choose whether to move on or not.  It's so difficult.    

The word "hiatus" is a really effective word.  Something about it implies its meaning while sounding sophisticated.

Al and Shannon are hanging out in La Venue of Sabrina while we all do work.  It's rather lovely, especially since I was away from my sweet angelface friends all weekend.

Speaking of La Venue de Tasha and Sabrina, I have a crystal-clear memory of moving into 933 IV on August 31, 2011.  Tasha was walking out of IV and I was walking in when we first met.  We clicked right from the beginning, and then went up to arrange the room.  I just have this Nikon picture in my head of the white, white walls and bare beds and empty closets.  And I was trying to figure out how to make that room feel like home.  I can’t imagine anything else now.  There are pictures all over and cards and tickets and playbills and posters hanging everywhere, there’s leftover Christmas decorations, there’s random secret message crap hanging all over from the Rageous War, and there are messes and clothes and food and homework all over.  The room is so lived-in.  In less than two weeks, it’s all gotta go.  It’s terrifying.  It was one thing packing up all my clothes and things at home and bringing them to school-- it wasn’t actually everything I own.  Whenever I go home there’s still pajamas and shoes and hair ties and books waiting for me.  That room has never been entirely purged.  933 IV will be though.  There’s got to be nothing left.  

One other thing is bothering me.  Since getting to school I’ve learned a lot about music and my future and myself and I’ve met FANTASTIC people and we’ve had the most wonderful adventures and jokes and bonding experiences in the course of a year.  Of course it’s going to go on next year, but that’s also what’s going to happen this summer (after I’m done being bedridden from surgery).  And that’s what happens whenever I go home and reconnect with my friends and family there.  I gained so, so much at school.  More than I have room for in my life.  I’m now in this awkward position where I will never have all of those people and classes and music in my life at one time.  All these things that make up my life and who I am, I won’t ever be able to fit into my life.  There will always be someone or something missing, right down to where I am; I love New York and I love Boston but I can’t have both things I love at once.  This understanding doesn’t fit into my schema of how life works.  I’m confused by knowing that my life will never be complete all at once.  I don’t quite know how to handle it.  That was what I loved a lot about my Sweet Sixteen--everyone and everything that mattered made it into one night.  Granted, my life has grown and gained so many more dimensions since then that I couldn’t even recreate that feeling at my Graduation Party (I had to have two to accomodate everyone!).  I’d never choose to go back to only knowing that small corner of the world, but it was a perfect night for that time of my life.  I don’t foresee a day when I’ll ever be so whole again.  I don’t mean to complain about being lucky enough to have such a full life; it’s just a paradox I’m living with.  A lot of kids my age are going to have to live with it.  

On a happier note, Doctor Who and Chinese food go together excellently, as I learned last night after a 7 hour journey from Smithtown to Boston.  It made me feel much better about my crappy Monday. 

Quotes of the Day: 

"Oh by the way, how's your Yiddish?" Feinstein

"ME WOVE WOU!!" Note left by my darling brother and sister and discovered by me today.