Brief Discourse On Why I Want To Date Someone

DISCLAIMER

I should first mention that I considered writing a blog about what it's like being back at school, but everyone in Boston clearly already knows and I waste no time telling anyone who asks just how LUCKY I am to be where I am, to be learning what I learn, to be doing what I do, and to be with some amazing people everyday.  Alternatively, I constantly remind everyone I'm away from just how much I MISS THEM and never let the people here forget it either.  I'm still writing blogs about Woodloch and Jeanne's Wedding but the thought of this one has been entertaining me all day.  Also, I'm just being silly in this.  I don't think anyone will take offense because it's all just innocent observation and I'm just having fun being weird, quirky me.  So that's all cleared up.  Enjoy!

          One of the first things that comes up when I talk to my mom or sister is whether I've found a boy here yet.  I usually roll my eyes and reply with a flat and unamused "No," because I really haven't.  I don't actually need a boy.  I have fantastic friends--a normal distribution of males and females--a great and engaging major, LOTS of music to keep me busy, and a whole city to be running around exploring.  I got lots going on already.  Sure, dating sounds kinda fun.  I can see how it would be exciting to get all dressed up and have a boy take me out to a nice dinner.  Flirting is fun.  Relationships sound comfortable to be in.  It has to be good for your self-esteem to constantly be with someone who thinks you're awesome.  

          There's something bigger than that though.  What I can't wait to do when I eventually have a boyfriend is have him meet my big, loud  Italian family.  

          I'll totally throw the poor guy to the wolves.  I'll bring him to a big family event and have him meet everyone all at once.  Not a serious holiday--those are strictly family-only in my opinion--but something like New Year's Eve, or someone's birthday.  All the grandparents and great-aunts and great-uncles and aunts and uncles and first cousins and second cousins and first cousins once removed that we call aunts and uncles versus the once removed cousins that are just cousins will all be there for him to navigate.  How good will he be at deciphering English buried under all the accents?  I hope he has the patience to listen to them chat away in Italian because that's pretty much my favorite thing about family functions.  Is he good with kids?  I hope so if he wants to keep up with the five or six or seven little ones that will be running around.  I'm sure Luke will love him because Luke loves everyone but I hope Ava throws one of her famous tantrums and scares him to death.  Then of course there will be all the interrogations by all the older relatives!  About where he's from and what he's doing with his life and what nationality his family is and all sorts of good stuff.  I'm sure everyone will tell their immigration stories one by one.  They'll quiz him on Italian food and try to change around his entire palate the way they did the one time I brought poor Rebecca to dinner at Nonni's in eighth grade.  (They forced pasta sauces she didn't like, vegetables she'd never tried, and even plain old strawberries on the poor girl.  I'll never forget after the pasta got cleared away and the meat came out, her awed voice asking "There's more?!")  I'm positive that all the men will try their best to scare the poop out of the boy about what will happen if he doesn't treat me perfectly.  

I'll think all this is hysterical.

          It is SO MUCH FUN to predict individual reactions.  Mom will Facebook stalk him and decide what she thinks of him before she even meets him, which will either be great or a little difficult to get around.  If she likes him, she'll love him.  If she doesn't, there will be some lip-pursing and eyebrow raising.  Right now, when I have no such concerns, it's fun to imagine she doesn't like him.  I'm sure I won't think that way when the time comes.  Dad will furrow his eyebrows, cross his arms, and talk in what he thinks is a scarier, deeper voice.  Unless the guy is a complete jerk, which I doubt just because I'm a sensible person who avoids jerks, Dad will do his best to like him.  Eric, bless him, will ask if he's a Rangers fan, a Harry Potter fan, and a Doctor Who fan.  That's pretty much all it'll take to swing his favor.  Ewok, if you're reading this, I'll do my best to make sure I find someone who fits your standards.  Delia, who I hope remembers when reading this that she is my best friend ever and I love her more than anything, will probably decide very quickly whether or not she likes him.  I shall have to be very careful about introducing his name into conversation.  For example, if the first thing she knows about him is that he hates musicals and loves Chuck Palahniuk, she'll wrinkle her nose at him forever.  If he likes How I Met Your Mother and She's The Man (in addition to being attractive), he stands a chance of gaining her approval.  Ginger would quiz mom and me separately and then figure out her own opinion of him from Florida, probably trying to like him for my sake.

       Nonno will grumble a lot when they meet.  I mean when Mom was growing up, any time a boy called, he'd say "Diane no home," and hang up.  Should be fun!  I'm sure Nonni would be excited to meet him and I can hear the slow, clear voice she'd speak to him in until she gets to know him.  Uncle Vic would be friendly and funny, but probably also try to scare him.  Aunt Terry would be really excited and bubbly about meeting him and tell him something embarrassing about me from ten years ago.  Cassie would be friendly but shy until she decides whether she likes him or not, then text me her full analysis of him afterward.  Bella might be really friendly or entirely ignore him on any given day, since that's how she is toward me too.  Uncle Gianni would be polite and friendly and engage him in conversation.  (I'm pretty sure I can hear Aunt Maria saying "If he's good enough for Sabrina, he's good enough for me, and to heck with the rest of you."  I miss her so much.)  Uncle Mario would probably do something similar to Uncle Gianni, and Aunt Angela would hold him in conversation for a very long time.  Uncle Mark would judge him by his appreciation for Star Wars, sports knowledge, and maybe taste in music.  Uncle Mark's Ang would be really happy for me and want to know all about him via Facebook chat the moment my relationship status changes.  Uncle Ignazio would probably ask a question or two about his heritage and nod, looking very official, if it's to his satisfaction.  Aunt Grace would get really giddy and a little silly, maybe like that time she cracked us all up at the diner.  Marianna would probably give the most fun interrogation out of anyone.  I can see her asking quirky and relevant things if that makes sense, since she's good at understanding people.  Lorella and Milena would probably treat him like family from Day One as long as my mom likes him.  Justin probably won't be there since he tends to vamoose when there's a family function involving cousins (I hope you're reading this, you little twerp!).  Danielle will be her usual polite and friendly self.  Big John and Little John will probably be indifferent since so many other relatives are swooping on this poor boy and Madeline will be bashful but very curious about him.  

Meanwhile, I'll be eating popcorn and looking on in merriment.  

And with that, I'm fairly certain I've scared away any boy who was even a little interested in me.