Reader, this is an honest blog.

Cheshire cat moons call for blogging!

First things first.  "Nothing changes."  Of course, everything changes, but the things that matter never, ever do.

And on we get.  Cheshire cat moon!

I take back what I said in my last blog.  No, I don't.  I mean I'm expanding on it.  It's not just me that's utterly ridiculous.  A lot of people are.  I mean sure I wonder how people take me seriously, but I mean this more seriously.  I can't help but wonder how some people can even stand doing and saying the things they do.  Don't you feel how careless or hurtful you're being? Or how immature?  Oh I don't know.  Some people are just full of bad energy and toxic to be around.  It's sad because they're still good people.  They're just bad for the psyches of those around them.

Meanwhile I'm enjoying writing letters.  Send me more addresses pretty please??

Lately I've been rather in love with Kelly Clarkson's third (forgotten about) album, My December.  Quotes from my favorite songs:

Maybe- I should know better than to touch the fire twice, but I believe in maybe.
Irvine- They say you feel what I do, they say you're here every moment.  Will you stay? 
Can I Have A Kiss- I just want to know what it feels like to touch something so pure, something I'm so sure of. 
Chivas- I'll take this chivas instead of your bed.  It wasn't even good, trust me.  I must have been so so so so lonely.
Sober- Three months and I'm still sober; picked the weeds but kept the flowers.  
Yeah- For sure I've got your back, I've never wanted anything more than you and your sexy smile.
Be Still- Foolish one with the smile, you don't have to be brave.  I'll gladly climb your walls  if you'll meet me halfway.

I'm writing a paper on my favorite musical ever, Wicked, for Feinstein's class.  It's the happiest paper I've ever written. I have completely renewed my faith in this work of art.  The melodies, the character development, the plot, GAH.  I love it all a lot.  My favorite detail is when Nessarose takes her happy teenage girl melody from Act One and turns it into a ballad about deserving to be named the Wicked Witch of the East in Act Two.  Something about the way she sings it and the way the notes sit next to each other is chilling.  I'm falling in love all over again and it's wonderful. 

Quotes of the last few weeks:
"At least I play a real instrument!  You play the cupcake!" Andy
"Why Johanna..." Al and Andy, countless times this week due partly to Relay for Life and partly to me being me.

"I mean is it a big deal that people are dying?" Feinstein, on our Dancing Zombie Apocalypse Musical.

The other day Sarah, Lauren, Meredith and I went to the North End for dinner.  Cheers for being spontaneous, my lovers!  Here's to all our playground jokes and to being mature.

Also, "DO THE MEREDITH!" and awkwardly step and snap in a style vaguely reminiscent of the Jets and Sharks in West Side Story. 

All of you people in my life are priceless and I love you a lot. 

Send me your addresses pleaseeeeeee.

Mirror, mirror? And lots of Capital R Romance.

I am entirely undecided on how I feel about the season finale of Pretty Little Liars.  "A Day" came and it was so, so close to obeying the books... sort of.  In some ways the books were better, and in some ways the shows were.  It's under review until next season.


Also, their music supervision team went bananas in the last few episodes.  It's like they suddenly realized that field existed after paying it no attention for a season and a half and then jumped in without knowing anything about how to handle it.  The only appropriate music was soundtrack "scary" music and the lyric-less, melancholy tune that went with the credits.


A nun came into work yesterday to buy a salad.  She paid entirely in singles.  Isn't there kind of a connotation that comes with that....


Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and want to laugh?  I'm just an absolutely ridiculous excuse of a human being.  I'm not complaining, but how does anyone in the world take me seriously?  I have a hunch that no one really does.


On an unrelated note, I've never tried this, but seduction by cupcake sounds like it'd be a fantastic idea.  Who could resist a cupcake?


There's something that's just Romantic about the warm weather.  You don't need a partner to feel it.  All you have to do is love yourself and your own life.  I promise.


Sometimes, though, I just want to disappear.  Just lay on my bed and melt into it, or throw myself down on the grass  and get lost there.  If I don't want to look in a mirror, or feel embarrassed, or regret something, I just wish I could put myself in some little corner of the world where no one can find me for a little while.  And then I think about how many other people are probably feeling the same way.  We all just need a touch of redemption for anything we're not proud of.  We just need someone to tell us it wasn't our fault, or that we're still loved.  I want to be able to crawl back out of the hole I just dug for myself and throw my head back and arms out and shine.


I'm a romanticist, remember? What keeps life interesting is the possibility of having your dreams come true, after all.


So pretty much, I use this blog to get rid of the extra thoughts that cloud my head sometimes.  Like a ton of two-line vignettes just spilling out in whatever order my brain wants to get rid of them.  And sometimes, people are pretty entertained.  I'm flattered.  You should clear out your head too.  Send your thoughts back to me!  In a text or comment or Facebook message... I don't care who you are or how well we do or don't know each other.  No awkwardness, scout's honor!  I wanna quit having one-sided conversations with myself.  I HAVE AN EXCELLENT IDEA.  Send me a mailing address and I'll send you a letter!  Regardless of whether we're in different states or even down the hall at the same school, I WILL WRITE YOU A REALLY FUN LETTER IF YOU SOMEHOW GIVE ME YOUR ADDRESS.


I'm speaking directly to you, dear reader.  I know you want to look around and say, "Who, me?" assuming I mean the closer friend who read this and answered me already, or the really distant friend I want to reconnect with, but I don't.  I mean you, reading this right now.   


I promise I'm not desperate for friends, but guys, this is going to be awesome.

"If you put your ear to the ground now, you would hear the whole island seething with life."

The title of this post is a quote from J.M. Barrie's Peter Pan.  It's a fun read for kids, but it's so much more than that to those who can see it's poignance.  I read it the summer between graduating high school and starting college, so it's an intensely emotional read for me.  Also, it is gorgeous out today and the quote seemed appropriate.  

'Poignant' and 'whimsical' are my two favorite words ever.

The olfactory system is incredible.  More than sights or sounds, certain scents can take me entirely to another time and place.  It’s like time travel.  Like, I have three different deodorants.  One in particular just brings me back to last summer-- my first full summer having a car and a license and income and freedom.  I get really happy when I use that deodorant, but it feels wrong to use during cold months.  

Our hand soap is scented Milk and Honey-- I am going INSANE trying to place the memory I have stored for this scent.  It has something to do with summer nights and go-karts but I can’t remember the details.  It’s killing me.  

The smell of tulle reminds me of the thirteen years I spent as a tap dancer.  Trying on dresses--even just walking through stores like Estelle’s-- brings me back to waiting in the wings of Tilles Center, wearing a costme, stage makeup, and an ear-to-ear grin.

The bass room at my high school always smelled of old paper because it doubled as a music library.  Any time I read an old book or browse a library, I can close my eyes and still be in high school, perhaps cutting a useless PIG class to practice the bass.

Even cologne and perfume make me float to some far off memory.

It’s practically magic, except for one flaw; since most things die in winter and snow has no true scent, it only works for the other seasons. It’s a shame because winter’s my favorite.  

Drinking coffee and needing to pee are practically synonymous.  They both fill you with lethal amounts of potential energy that make you need to go, go, go.

My compliments to the cast of Smithtown’s Hello, Dolly!  I was thoroughly entertained both nights I saw it, even after enduring my sister singing all the songs around the house for months.  I laughed out loud at all the jokes and those handsome dancing waiters and was super impressed by the general level of talent in every cast member.  Bravo, all!

In the ten minutes I saw Sydney at Starbucks, she said some pretty priceless things:

“CHELSEA, YOUR GREASE WAS SEEPING THROUGH MY CARPET.  SABRNA, I DID NOT MEAN THAT SEXUALLY.”

“Chels, at least I talk to guys!  You just TESTOSTERONE and run away!”

“He was playing [the ukelele] with his wenis.” 

Mike and Rebeca and me were reunited for the first time since January!  For one hour.  But it’s better than the two more months we thought we’d have to wait.  It was lovely as always.  

Rebecca: “I’m going vegetarian.  Vegetarian as in not eating meat.  But the word vegetarian implies I like vegetables, but I don’t, so that’s not a good word for it.”

The count down is on!  Eighteen days until the Sweet Sixteen!  Gosh, I can’t believe mine was so long ago.  Three years have flown by.  Everything and everyone has changed infinitely since then, but it doesn’t feel like it.  The most important thing I took away from my Sweet Sixteen was the knowledge that I am blessed with a lot of friends and family that love me unconditionally.  And I depend on that knowledge every day.  Thank you all. <3

As Dreamers Do.

Generally speaking, this has been an excellent week home.  I've gotten to see and talk to and hug so many of the people I've been missing, like Brian, Mike, Chelsea, Sarah, Sean, Eric, and the ENTIRE Lifeteen congregation.  Do you ever get that feeling that your body may actually explode because your heart swells so much to fit all your happiness inside? That's been my last six days, and it's beautiful.


Lunch with Brian was wonderful, as we never got to have one over Christmas break.  Favorite quotes of the day:
Me: "How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?"
Brian: "It depends how much weed they have."


"It can be explained by a diagram of the diffraction of light.  Except in your case, it's the diffraction of a bullet.  And the distribution of them."


"The time has come to pick something off the menu and enjoy it.  Not eat it!  Just enjoy it."


Twins <3




Meanwhile, the drive to Chelsea's school with Sarah and Christie was full of excellent banter and girl talk, as was our lunch date at Panera.  Trouble is, you can't be nearly as loud or as honest in public, so we relocated to a nice deserted picnic table.  Cheers, girlies.  




There is a small part of me that is heartbroken.  I very much enjoyed making the candle holders for Delia's Disney Princess themed party, and blast Disney classics via Spotify whenever I work on something party-related.  I decided the other night was the night to watch a Disney classic, so I went for Snow White since it's one of the Princesses for the party and it was the predominant movie of my childhood.  I put the VHS in the VCR... and it got eaten.  Since I had to physically pull the tape out, I was actually the one to break the tape.  I cried.  I feel like I've personally murdered Snow White with the huntsman's dagger.  


The obvious move was to put in Pinocchio, another childhood classic.  What do you know, the first advertisement to come on is for Snow White.  Ouch.


That movie is so stereotypical in its portrayal of Italians.  Stromboli's Italian ramblings actually have Italian in them, just incomprehensible Italian.  Also, the Blue Fairy is totally Marilyn Monroe.  And Jiminy absolutely cat calls at her.


And on that note, now is a good time for a Disney-instigated rant on the sacredness of childhood.  I have very capital R Romantic tendencies-- think Tchaikovsky, Beethoven, Hoffman, Shelley, Wordsworth, and Coleridge--and many of these apply to the natural wonder and beauty that are childhood, for the Romantic Era was about faith in untamed nature and feelings, not in knowledge.  There is something inherently beautiful about childhood, perhaps because it's so dependent on nature and feeling.  The Disney Classics all draw upon these in their development.  Although Disney gets a lot of crap for its stereotyping and its less than worthwhile messages, it somehow still ignites the same feelings of grandeur and the power of imagination that are emphasized by Romantics.  This may have a lot to do with Disney's gift for excellent scoring.  (Reader, if you're familiar with my blogs, you're aware how dangerous it is to let me openly ramble about music and yet here we go.)  
I suppose a better question is whether my childhood memories of Disney movies, and consequently Disney's classic hits--think Someday My Prince Will Come, When You Wish Upon A Star, Once Upon A Dream--make these songs meaningful for me, or whether these songs are what make my attachment to Disney so profound.  Just Googling "Disney's Greatest Music" brings you to a page of Disney's Top 100 Songs.  Even the last page, numbers 76-100, is filled with songs I know and love.  Of course the top twenty five are undisputedly the best, including Tchaikovsky's Sleeping Beauty Waltz, now called "Once Upon A Dream," the classics listed above, Part of Your World, and A Whole New World, which was apparently playing when I was born.  Listen to these, or look at their lyrics.  They will all take you somewhere else entirely.  They draw upon wishes that we have in our hearts, however illogical or silly, and let us dream openly about them.  And so Disney's masterpieces foster imagination and the ability to dream and love and everything that's important in childhood.  And so Disney is beautiful.




On a vaguely related note, I am an expert at making bows.  I made seventeen for the candles, but each of those seventeen consist of one tulle and one ribbon bow, each tied with wire, then tied together, and then tied to a glass candle holder.  Each one takes like a half hour to make.  I'm just a wizard.  Also, Bow is the name of my street and it just feels like destiny.


Lastly, I finished Season Five of Doctor Who and I had to watch each part of the season finale twice to fully get what was going on.
"Something old, something new, something borrowed something blue; I remember you, Raggedy Doctor and YOU ARE LATE FOR MY WEDDING!"
Spoilers ;)